Dear DIL Diaries,

My MIL comes to visit for at least a week at a time. She informs my husband she is coming (does NOT ask, or wait to be invited), and then he informs me. Neither of them have ever asked me if I care that she stays for lenghly uninvited visits. I teach school and she often comes over one of my breaks when I would like to spend time alone with my daughter. I am irritated by her lengthy visits, but mostly I am angry that I am not being considered. I am an adult who should have a say in time and length of visitors. I feel completely disrespected and ignored. I have told all of this to my husband, and he just nods in agreement. Then the whole thing repeats itself. In the last year, she was here a week last October, two weeks in December, a week in March, two weeks in May, and is now back for at least 2 weeks this October. She tells us she is coming for a week or a few days and then doubles the time when she gets here. My husband works till late at night, so I am home alone with her and my daughter every night. She isn’t mean to me, but we are very different people and I am uncomfortable having her stay that long. Mostly, I’m mad that no one considers my feelings. Advice?

Answered by Ms. Ram:

Unfortunately, it appears that a precedent was set when your MIL initiated her wishes for these visits originally, and both you and your husband enabled her to take control. Your husband is colluding with his mother in making arrangements without your input, knowing full well that this displeases you. It is understandable that you are very put off by this arrangement, as most would be. You have been relegated to a third wheel, and may have also contributed to it by allowing it to go  on for so long. Clearly you need to sit your husband down and tell him how this makes you feel, and that since he works late and is not directly affected by these excessive visits, he now has to accept your wishes for her visits. You need to decide when and for how long you want your MIL to visit, with clearly defined limits , and let her know that you need more one on one time with your children.
Your last sentence that no one considers your feelings is key— you now will be the one considering what works for you and what doesn’t, you will be the one considering your feelings and letting others know what you are entitled to. Good luck!!

Tags: Dear DIL Diaries, Grandchildren by anonymous